Empathy a force for change

 

TW: SA and DV

I haven't always been the man I am today, there have been times where I have looked more like a bigoted thug than he hefty lefty woke bloke I strive to be today, I have said and done things in my past that I'm not proud of, I've been racist, misogynistic, homophobic, and trans phobic, again I'm not proud of this period of time in my life, but I never want to forget it, because I can look back and see how far I have come, I can see that although I'm far from perfect, I am working to be a better man.

Back in the day, I was a bit of a lad, you know the sort, total edge lord, saying and doing things that would get a laugh out of the friends that were just as messed up as I was, thinking back, even then I didn't believe half of the things I said, but I was addicted to getting laughs, and some messed up version of respect from people that probably didn't respect themselves let alone me.

Fitting in was important to me when I was young, I didn't want anyone to see the real me, a scared frightened little man who thought my only value in life was to be either the butt of everyone's jokes or the clown, the jester holding court, doing what was necessary to be accepted among my peers, I have always used humor as a defense mechanism, if you have them laughing, they can't hate you, and I wanted to be part of the group so bad I was willing to throw anyone under the bus so I wasn't found out to be just a lad who wanted to be accepted, even now I use an unhealthy amount of self deprecating humor.

It never felt good when I was being mean to someone else, it was a hollow feeling like when you get something good by cheating, but back then I wasn't strong enough to be me, I didn't have the strength of character to do and say the right thing, until that is, I realized that the only persons respect I needed was my own, so little by little I decided that the only way I could be happy is by being my true authentic self, to not be that guy who says things for shock value, but in order to do that I had to first ask myself “what are my actual views”.

It has taken years to be the authentic me that I'm happy with, and I have rebuilt my personality to be more empathetic towards other people, it wasn't easy, and yeah I have a way to go still, but I'm a lot closer to being the person I want to be than ever.

First thing I needed to address was the racist tendencies that I had, this was the hardest thing to address, because it had its roots in my own internalized racism, I grew up with no people of color as a role model, I hated myself for a long time, and as a result I took that hatred out on other people of color, I would use racist language, words that I won't say or type now because it causes me a lot of pain to think that I used those words without thinking about it.

There are still remnants of internalized racism left in me to this day, after so many years of thinking a certain way, and having to prioritize what I should work on, I decided to work on the things that affected other people first, so at least my craziness was confined to hurting one person instead of everyone I came into contact with.

Apart from the internal racism, I had to address the misogyny, I have been guilty of on occasion, of being a Not all men, type dude, you see when men are criticized, women generally call it male fragility, thing is, they don't know how right they are, the male ego is possibly the most fragile thing on earth in some cases, and hearing criticism can make a man put up a defensive wall, in my case I found it all way too depressing to accept that there are thousands of men who in one way or another are horrible bastards, when you think of all the harassment that goes on in the world, eventually you have to accept that at some point some sleazy little prick is going to cat call your daughter, there and then you have to make the decision, do you bury your head in the sand and hope that your daughter never suffers harassment, or you stand up and be counted, as Daniel Sloss once said, “It's not enough to not be part of the problem, you have to be part of the solution” we all have to be a part of the solution, it is the responsibility of every living person to call out shitty behavior.

Yes men have their own set of problems, we can talk about the problem of male victims of sexual violence, we can talk about the men murdered by their partners, we can even talk about the distinct lack of residential support for male victims of domestic violence, and we should talk about those things, but in a healthy way, not as a counter argument when women talk about their experiences of domestic and sexual violence, we can help everyone be free of domestic and sexual violence, there isn't a quota of a particular percentage of men Vs women that we can help, as a society we have the power to help everyone, but we get bogged down with choosing sides and are pitted against each other to fight for resources, simply because decision makers want wats best for their team and no one else.

I have been a victim of both sexual violence, and domestic violence, it's hard to talk about, but talk about it I must, but then again, that is for another day, I'm just not feeling brave enough to go into details today.

I wasn't a good friend to the LGBTQ community for a long time, I've never been violent towards a gay or trans person, but you don't have to in order to cause harm, I realize that now, and I'm sorry.

I would say stupid shit that I thought was funny, and all the people around me would laugh and feed that need for acceptance, I could use that dopamine rush to patch the wounds that in truth I had caused myself by not addressing what was wrong with me, but as with any patch up job, it's only a matter of time before you need to patch up some more, and so other people became the victims in my own patch up job, it was stupid, reckless, and unsustainable, and I will carry that guilt with me forever, because I know that the “harmless jokes” I would tell, hurt people I never even met, not me or the people who hurt me, innocent people who just want to live their life as their authentic self, and as I type that, I realize that I may have been jealous that they had the bravery within them to stand up and say “this is me” and I didn't.

If you know me, and my misogyny, homophobia, trans phobia or racism has hurt you even if you don't know me, and have been hurt by people like me, perpetuating harmful stereotypes, I want to say from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry, and I will do everything within my power to make sure no one ever feels that no one is in their corner, I will fight for you, I will make amends for the harm I have caused by helping others who think like I used to think, to be better people, we can all change, and I am living proof of that, I have a rich life now, full of people from all walks of life, people I have enormous respect for and gratitude for helping me get better as a person, I couldn't have done it without them, and I am truly grateful for all my LGBTQ siblings, the women who have put me right over the years, and to the people of color who with great patience, have guided me, and helped me realize that I have value in this world, and that I don;t need to be a caricature of black man to be who I am.

I recognize the privilege I have, and I will use it as a supper power, because I have been that fly on the wall, I know how bigots operate, they can't run, and they can't hide from someone who knows the truth about them.

Photo by Keegan Houser from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-sitting-on-rock-on-body-of-water-1478685/